i'm calling it quits
im dead
im done
its obvious this life doesn't fit

it's haunting
it's fleeting
god dammit
my future's bleeding

it's this place
seductive
destructive
but i gotta stay productive

it's this heart
it's broken
it's stolen
the worlds deaf to the words that were spoken

After a long time of thinking, and a fair amount of collecting random thoughts here and there, I seem to have this little bit of random life to post on here which I find worth the effort. Everyone seems to be having a hard time right now, including myself, with their lives at the current space in our lives that we're living in. In my head the important part to pushing through is knowing where you stand as a person, and showing yourself as person through an honest eye as you stand infront of a mirror.

I am Santiago. I walk through the streets in westfield late at night with my music going out of my iphone because I am convinced that my life has been built around a movie structure. There is a soundtrack of my life beyond the laughs and tears that i've experienced, it's the music of the moment that always seems to stick with me. I can't tell someone what we did on a certain important day or what people were wearing with any complete certainty but I can remember the song that was playing, might it be in reality or just in my head.

At this point in my life I feel... lonely? And that's not because I don't have people who love me around me, because I do. I have some of the best friends a person could ask for whom listen and react to me on any instant of any day. My current state of loneliness has more to do from uncertainty in my future and this building feeling that the person I'm madly, deeply, head over heels in love with really won't be in my future. Lonely because even if that person comes back I don't know if I can let myself enter it again. It's a loneliness built from a void that I still haven't even begun to find a way to fill, or atleast cover up with any strength. Love is important, I love my friends with all my heart and to the deepest part of my soul that I can and I know they feel the same. Normally that's enough for a person. But as I said, being honest with myself, I know that the love i'm craving is one that I had in my life. What I used to call True Love. That feeling that someone is there in the moments of triumph and tragedy without a second glance. The love where no matter what time of the day it is, you'd travel an hour just for a touch, a glance, a hug  in order to make the other person feel better.

I'm in love with someone who has two personalities, one in love with me and one in love with her new life, and the 5 month boyfriend that feeds that fire. I'm in love with a girl who won't work to love me back because it's too hard for her to work the distance, the fear of "losing me" and the it's especially hard because she knows in her heart if she actually believed that I love her as much as I do, she wouldn't be able to stop herself from throwing her new international lifestyle for what she has always dreamed of. We would move too quickly and she wouldn't be able to life her young life. I'm in love with a girl who is in love with her new life. I'm in love with a girl whose old life I love, and new life I can't stand to be in the same country as.

I believed in True Love conquers all. I know what I used to believe, I know what I WANT to believe, but I no longer know what I believe in parts of my life.  And that need for belief needs to be filled before anything else can come even close to helping me.

I am a nice person. I act like a jerk and asshole because nothing else has worked to get the attention of those whom I love, or could see myself loving in the future for any extended period of time. I miss parts of who I used to be. Lately I have had memories of my younger years when people used to ask why I was always smiling, even when I wasn't meaning to. Now I get asked is something wrong more than I get asked why i'm smiling. It's a physical change I can't explain except that I'm too involved in my past.


I'm working on improving my life but I self-sabotage more than I can admit.
I'm all that I am right now
and until I can find the strength to change
I deal with who I am now.

It's time for change.


A today is the day it happens.

Tonight at midnight.

The MIA time is coming soon. I will do no Xanga, LJ or Facebook for atleast 2 weeks.
this also includes ichat and AIM and skype.

could be more.

This is what the New Year feels like huh? Well, lets see I've already had a night where I didn't sleep a wink and yet I have no complaints. I look forward to everything that comes at me this year. But things at school and home are vastly different.

This new relationships with Kate has been growing more and more from the little surprise that it started as. I'm honestly very very happy in this relationship and that's more than I can say for any relationship i've had recently. I think the thing that I have with Kate that I haven't had in years is... certainty? I know how we both feel to a base level, there's no surprises in store that I can see where one of us is lying to the other about how we feel, we've been very upfront with each other form the start, and that is extremely calming. Nevertheless, everyday is a learning experience and I still find surprises (good ones the majority of the time) when it comes to my girlfriend. Surprises are good, and keeps us on the wave of excitement we've had since that night we kissed. My newfound realistic approach to life has helped me in relationships, no jumping in too fast, but no stopping myself from what could be. For the first time ever in my life, Long Distance seems like a enemy that doesn't seem impossible to survive. I always had faith that a relationship I was in could survive it, but I've never felt that faith, that HOPE, given back. Until Now.

My friendships at school have changed in some ways, but most I could say for the better. This year has seen me really have different groups in and out of my daily routine, but not as much as last year. Meg and Anna and I have all reconnected after the shit storm that was 2nd semester last year, and they've been there from day 1. Laura, Lauren and I have split up and come back together so many times that about half way through the semester things in my life made me force myself to seperate myself to I could really concentrate on me surviving my work before helping others, which isn't something I've ever done, but my parents worked too hard for too long for me not to put myself first. Because they always put me first too. I owe them that much. Ed and I have continued what we are, two guys just hanging out, watching movies, talking sports, nothing dramatic and thankfully VERY simple. Which adds to my need to simplify my life. Joe and I have drifted ever since I realized that the friendship was too one sided to really be worth all the time, emotion and general cost of it all. Not to say I am not to blame for it falling apart also, but I deserve better than what Joe was giving me in a friendship.

There are people I haven't seen this year all that much (Ryan, Laura M, Nick, Ashley, Lauren Shaw, Eli) that I think about a lot and really hope to reconnect with at some point before it's too late. (Ryan you don't count, I don't plan on leaving the apple pie at Ed's house anytime soon, and seeing how you live there, I'll be seeing you soon)

I think there is a lot of room for change this year, in more ways than I would have imagined. So lets have it. Let's life it.

I hope in a year to be able to be sitting in front of a computer and writing how I once again grew from everything that happened in the past year.

I'm considering stopping facebook/livejournal/xanga/iChat again this year for a while, I did it last year for 2 weeks, it was hard but very good for me.

If I do, it'll start on the 24th.

Thoughts?

In the spirit of the day of thanks, I really want to just throw out those things I'm thankful for since the start of this semester:

1) I'm thankful for 2nd chances. Meg and Anna both have welcomed me back into their lives after the 2nd semester breakdown. Meg has become my bestfriend at school and I can't really imagine going through half the things I've gone through this year without her.

2) I'm thankful for Seth, Greg and Ed. Having them as room mates has made living in the suite so comfortable, although some times annoying, but more laughs than I can count.

3) Thankful for Laura and Lauren. Haven't hung out with them as much as last year, but they have picked me up when I couldn't do it myself.

4) I'm thankful that my parents are still going strong even though more and more we're facing a harder financial situation.

5) Last but not least by ANY measure, I'm thankful for you. We weren't supposed to be together, we're both too messed up from our seperate pasts, but we seem to just be amazing together. Real and no bullshit, giving each other what we deserve. You make me smile with your texts and such and I hate that I only have a couple more weeks with you, but it's better than a couple more weeks still pretending that there is nothing between us. Thank you princess.

So my laptop won't connect to the internet for the past couple days and that has made it interesting seeing what I do without it, I kind of enjoy it to be honest but at the same time I've also been very busy.

Quidditch today was amazing and I think it really gave me a nice little break from reality. Gave me the nice feeling of playing a game knowing there was a crowd and they were looking at me when I would make a play. I liked it.

But otherwise, I think of recent I've just felt very... I don't know, I can feel myself having a short fuse with people and then really not doing anything about it because I don't want to create issues because things I want to say in some cases are hurtful and It's almost break so I feel bad if I were to blow up at someone?

It really does all feel like quicksand. One thing gets to me, then I see another one coming and I try to stop it but it still gets here and then it makes the original just pull me lower. And before I know it, im surrounded by issues I didn't know I had and it all gets very confusing.

I've also been having some shortness of breathe. I don't WANT to worry about why, but a part of me knows I should get it checked out over break.

Need some new music because my brain isn't getting the same escapism that it usually gets from the music I have.

Lately life has just gotten.. insane.

Which is a telling since half the time that's how I feel. My life has gone from a static feeling to a constant blur of movement and things needing to get done and things happening in the not so distant future. Honestly, it feels like I wake up, step into a tornado and then go to bed. It's weird.

My Film is due Monday morning. For a long time I have said I need 1/2 the time most editors would need to edit an entire project. Well, Monday morning I get the chance to prove it. My film is due at 12, I have only one opening I can get on a steinbeck, and thats 10-12. So thus... put my money where my mouth is.

I have two papers due Monday for my Ethics and Justice Class. A class that I mostly go to for girl, I really couldn't care less half the time im there. Don't get me wrong, the discussion is very interesting... until we hit either 1)Nazi Germany 2)Obama-McCain or 3)The American School System. But I mostly use that class to continue my crush on girl (more on that later).

Outside of classes, social life has been going pretty well for me this year. I'm still lost on the whole Joe/Laura/Lauren situation but I honestly can't even care anymore, I've said and done my piece, and nothing else will change it. I'm honestly happy where I am though. I have a great core group of friends, I have a really great group of guys I live with. Besides economic concerns, my family is on really good times right now. Granted, I wish that my Dad had a job, but thats the economy for a 54 yr old CFO in waiting. I miss people from home without a doubt and I can't wait to see them, but things here aren't so bad where I want to be there in NJ than here doing what I love to do.

And saying that just hit me. Wow.

On the girl situation in my life. Katie... well I haven't looked at her facebook since I've come back to Boston from that Bittersweet "surprise" NJ trip. I say surprise because the weekend held horrible and amazing surprises for me. Katie happens to be the horrible surprise. I don't care what she says in the future, this part of our lives was to see if I could take her at her word. She can say "i don't know why it's so hard to pick up a phone when I'm over there" all she wants but I know the truth, It's kind of hard to talk on the phone when his dick is in her mouth.

Now girl. Yes, I will continue to refer to her as girl until, hopefully, something becomes of this interesting little section of my week. She and I hang out randomly but it's always a ton of fun, and I don't get the feeling that either of us are forcing laughter or smiles. That night of cuddling and writing and hookah remains in my mind even now.
    Her bestfriend, Chris, is her ex. Now, I'm trying really hard to seperate my Highschool life from my college life. So I'm going into this hoping that not all Ex-BFs named Chris are the same. And from what she's told me, he is nothing like the original Chris, this Chris is actually making something out of his life and has a purpose.
    But! I digress. She wants to get coffee tomorrow. Which is totally going to happen. I just want to take her to dinner sometime soon. And if we could do another late night hang out that would be awesome. I don't want to put a time frame on this, but this girl is wayyy too beautiful and smart for me to let any opportunity slip.

On a musical note. I've been listening to a lot of Matisyahu and Flobots. I wonder why?! Could it be that I saw them last Wednesday and it was fucking awesome? Possible. I've also been listening to a LOT of Ingrid Michaelson because I really love her lyrics and her style.

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist was really good. I mean, at one point I felt like standing up, ripping my chair from the floor and throwing it at the screen, but that's because in the movie they go back to their Exs and that makes me just boil. But by the end of the movie, i regained hope.

Yes I live my life vicariously through film and music.

So now where do I stand on everything? I'm sitting in bed, having this horrible "you ate way to much last night you fucking idiot" stomach ache where i've thrown up twice since waking up at 7 am. I'm thinking about kinda cheating on Novembeard because I never really shaved in October so I could grow the beard for Halloween. I can't wait for next Friday because Meg and I are going to Montreal. And I can't wait for Monday, because I get to see her again.

For all those looking for new music, I suggest these songs:
Youth- Matisyahu
Sky- Joshua Radin & Ingrid Michaelson
Colorblind- Say Anything
Starting Now - Ingrid Michaelson

Wow.
What was supposed to be a slow night, with me going to bed early... finished with me coming back to the LB 10 mins ago after leaving to give Girl a lighter.
No, nothing happened. Well... Nothing that most people would find too important but to me it was AMAZING. We talked about everything and we smoked some hookah and she asked me to stay and keep her company as she wrote her story. For 4 hours, we talked, she typed, I wrote on a paper, and it was amazing. She cuddled up next to me, i wrapped my arm around her, trying not to shake or seem nervous.
   
We almost kissed.

We spooned and I ran my hand across her stomach and my other wrapped around her. Her hand reached up and behind her head to play with my hair, her other holding my other hand. We turned to where our lips were brushing.

gahhhh it was AMAZING

Hey guys, this is a post thats going to be all about Katie. Kind of a venting session for myself, since I don't have anywhere else to write this. This has been brought about by the fact that im seeing her tomorrow because she's home for a week from England. Here it goes:

Really? You come home after two months, two months in we went from being totally in love and doing anything for each other, or in reality me doing anything for you, to somehow where we are now. You having a picture of you and James as your profile pic, we've had maybe 2 full talks since James moved in early September, and I've had a living hell, but you don't know. You are so full of your life there that it's never even crossed your mind to check in.

And now? Now im going to see you and you throw me the "my parents are mad that you're visiting because they had a bunch of family things planned that I didn't know about" and then when I ask you if you still want me to come down you say "doesn't matter, no matter what I say someone is going to be mad at me"

Subtle never was a strong suite for you.

For starters, WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU GET THE GUMPTION AND THE FUCKING RIGHT TO TREAT ME LIKE YOU HAVE? I've done everything I ever could for you and treat me like total shit. I'm sick and tired.

Fuck you. I hate that I love you right now.
You don't deserve to know, but you will.

OK Boston. I'm back. Fix me?

C'mon. you always do it. Fix me. Now.


I came back and unpacked,
sitting here not knowing what to do next.
Besides sit here and wait for the sun to blind my eyes.

but it felt like a new start.

There she was
Glasses and red sweater
smiling through the night
our laughter hung in the air
long after midnight

She doesn't know what this could be
she doesn't know that sitting there
across from her
is a guy who never expected to feel this again

Smile for the ages
Wit to keep a nail on point
They sat in the cold night air
being warmed by their hot coco and conversation

Maybe they'll be a tomorrow
but the focus was that night
nothing about past or future
sitting with knees touching

his heart peaked above the wall
the cinderblocks were becoming hot
the heart could see the light sneaking in
it wasn't use to light
after spending so much time in the dark

So they walked home
his arm around her shoulders
her arm around his waist
smiling all the way to her door

Hug and smile
they leave each other
they ate up the moment
a 2nd night in the works



"There'll be girls across the nation
That will eat this up babe
I know that it's your soul but could you bottle it up and
Get down to the heart of it,
No it's my heart you're shit out of your luck
Don't make me tell you again"

I will have my justice.
I won't let this go again
Prepare for the worst of what you will ever see.
Nights of crying and pain.

I WILL have my justice.

Con siete dias
hay tiempo para gue nosotoros hablamos
hay tiempo para dias en el sol
pero no hay tiempo para despues de esto

En dios anos
podemos hacer esto
tu y yo
hasta que morimos

pero no hay tiempo para nosotoros
quando vas a estar ayi en la inglaterra
para dos anos vas a estar con otros hombres
besando
tocando
haciendo cosas que yo no quiero oir

Donde esta mi amor?
la nina que podria hacer todo para mi
La mujer que me mirro en la llueva

esta alli
en dos anos
conmigo

I'll give you what you want
a summer to remember
days and nights
of perfect memories

It's what you want
another entrance to me
another way to have us
on your terms

well baby
it's everything you wanted
love, happiness and me
a summer of dreams

So I'll give you this summer
a summer to remember
remember the moment
you took another step closer

to losing me.

I could write you lyrics
and you'll remember everything I said
But I need you to give me a reason to stay
while your in some other guy's bed.

I'm excited for next week. I'm looking forward to what this summer brings, and I think it might be one great summer. Tonight is Tom's graduation and im more proud than I can say of him, he made it through HS his way and hasn't changed any of his beliefs, nor have the people around him changed him.

I had a very distinct thought when I decided I wanted to update this... but I can't remember.

July 3rd the first, and biggest, part of the house renovation will be done so I can finally have large volumes of people over. I love being 15 mins from the beach.

:) I do a lot of smiling recently, and i think that, more than anything, is the best part of this summer.

yup, not a healthy thing